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You may say i’m a dreamer …

I recently had my Shenghan visa rejected twice, I lost out on the trip I had planned to celebrate a milestone year with my friends who live in different countries now and  I hadn’t met together in a decade, they currently are on the trip enjoying and missing me too.I have lost a lot of money and had to go through angst of visa applications and rejections which is still not over and has a process to complete. It has been a great learning at many levels for me personally ! I trust universe knows best for me …I  also understand It happened due to my personal lack of knowledge or curiosity on French visa stringent rules & requirements if invited and staying with a French resident, taking for granted an agent would help with paper work,  my agents team’s lack of guidance and ignorance and being stuck in a French bureaucratic loop inspite of my dear friend from France inviting me for a  just a short part of the trip, personally running around inspite of a hectic schedule to submit all her documents requested. Yet being disappointed on me not reaching her as yet !  You know I’m not so heart broken about the trip getting cancelled, even been humouring myself about it and taken it in my stride as it’s not  surely my last trip in life.and I surely will get there sooner or latter. However I’m  APPALLED by every single friend who reached out to me or heard my story telling me how I was a fool to not show bogus hotel bookings to get a tourist visa. 😱 it’s not just one person every single one said the same and  It’s got me thinking and v upset too by our accepted thought process and norms.  We, most of us atleast seem to accept that we live in a society where ” Honesty”  doesn’t work, if u have to get ur ways and quick u have to learn to lie/ cheat/manipulate and be bloody good at it , ur considered an idealistic or a fool to be honest and laughed at coz u pay a price and loose out if u stand by ur values. And what’s worse bureaucracy seems to advocate dishonesty too as it’s blind and believes what it sees or is shown most often.  I know I can’t change others and their choices, so I have two choices either to give up on my belief and adapt or to stand by my values and hope there are more like me out there who surely exist and will get together, raise a collective consciousness some day soon, that will create a better new world.  Imagine a world …Where values like authenticity, honestly, courage, selflessness, service, unconditional love, co existence, sensitivity etc will breathe freely and thrive.Where we won’t have to pay a price or be ridiculed for our strengths and uniqueness. We won’t idealise each other but inspire and co exist encouraging each other to grow. We won’t need to compete to feel successful and empowered yet we will all participate for the joy of participation and creations. We won’t need to constantly protect ourselves or our countries and raise high boundaries that can’t be entered into to experience our beautiful diversities, uniqueness and beauty, where trusting each other will be effortless. Where generosity and hearts will be v large. Gratitude will be a way of life.Peace and love with thrive. Where everything will be abundant at all times. No mask will be needed and the true self will shine. Where our children will feel safe and grow up in warm beautiful loving healthy environments freely. Where no illnesses will exist and death will be a natural ageing process.Mother Earth will be truly joyous, alive and flourishing… Wow, I just can go on and on, feels so good just the thought of it, doesn’t it ? 😀 Well, You may say I’m a dreamer … but I’m not the only one …:)) this is how it was intended by the creator I feel … we messed up some where on the way. High time to start cleaning up and getting back to the original intent of the universe !   It is possible ! I know it …my heart knows it …it will happen !  I surely pledge to take ownership in every little way I can, consciously taking steps to contribute to this magnificent creation of this beautiful dream world of mine … will u join me too, please ? 🙂

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Love is… ?

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I keep hearing the term ” Falling in Love” and “Falling out of love” so often these days. Actually been hearing them forever. And since I have been seeking for a while what love really is ? I am confused at this moment with what i have been made to understand or rather limited understanding of love I have gathered and i can bet there are majority like me out there. infact majority just happy to live in ignorance as most don’t seem to care or want to know the truth as it will disillusion their conditioned belief systems passed over by generations and they will be lost. Hence most are happy living in the illusion. 🙂

My spiritual seeking tells me ” Love is eternal ”  and “Love is the highest form of energy ” . If this true then falling in love or out of it is an illusion, isn’t it ? 

Coz if it’s eternal it cannot end  and if it’s energy it must just be flowing between everyone we interact with, or just still exists between two people who may not even feel it anymore and may be it perhaps keeps taking new form as it’s eternal. possible isn’t it ?

So basically  so far most  of us have been fooling ourselves by the concept of love being attachment to specific people in our lives or a mate. and may be there is truth in that too.  It surely keeps us busy i guess. It keeps us feeling loved or unloved or seeking love, worthy or unworthy as the case may be. We spend most of our lives either finding it, loosing it or seeking it or falling out of it to re seek it !  It’s funny if u think of it …just a vicious cycle to kill time and justify our existence …ha ha ha !

As for me i’m still seeking and lost …i don’t have the answers or understanding yet and i know there are many out there perhaps have been enlightened …however i’m putting it out here to the universe to send me the wisdom on this subject so loosely used or misunderstood for years. I don’t want to defy mass belief, or prove any point, i’m only seeking deeper meaning so i can look past the illusion, expand to a higher space and experience love for how it was intended to be experienced.

What love really is …?

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Embrace 2017

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Here i am joyfully  ready to embrace 2017 with renewed parts of me. Parts that were revealed and uncovered through a past year of turmoil. However i’m grateful and willing to walk my new journey with new energies and renewed faith. Here’s a small poem i wrote to embrace 2017 with open arms and a large heart …

I am not running anymore

I don’t even know which way to go

I know I’m headed somewhere

Where few dare to go

 

The journey has just begun

Miles to cover I know

Uncertainty my only companion

Love, my driving force

Yet I  know it’s the only way for my soul to blossom and grow

 

I am not running anymore

I don’t even know which way to go

I know I’m headed somewhere

Where few dare to go

 

Home is what i’m seeking

though darkness is what lies forth

I  know flowerbeds await me with their fragrance

yet I keep walking with thorns pierced through my shields

The  soul is truly determined

Every breath fills it with more zeal

For it knows this time for sure

It is time for it to be finally set free…

 

I am not running anymore

I don’t even know which way to go

I know I’m headed somewhere

Where few dare to go

 

 

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Thank You and Good Bye 2016 !

2016… another year that marks a turng1x8ybing point in my life. Has been the toughest year to go through post 2007, which too was a life changing year for my life. I still remember on 31st Dec  2015 I chanced upon an app to know what 2016 would be like and i got the word ” CHANGE” . I had an OMG gulp and this feeling of restlessness. What was going to change now and why ? I didn’t know what to expect but I was nervous and how. What followed starting Jan was the craziest roller coaster ride of my life, I have been on. Each day felt like I was caught in a Sci fiction Matrix. I felt surrounded my Mirrors, Illusions, Mazes, Mirages, Codes in words and symbol formats that were beyond my understanding. Everything felt magnified or as if something kept relentlessly drilling deep within my core. I had constant WTF just happened moments and at times OMG magical ones too.

I met people who mirrored my faults, weaknesses, reactions, perceptions, situations etc. I felt as if situations were being re-created to show me the truth of the other side where I had felt a victim in my past, which on  hind side wasn’t the whole truth of that moment, my deep routed fears I didn’t know even existed were uprooted and magnified right in front of my face till i gathered the courage to see them face to face and choose “Love” over them, my core was shaken and I felt as if I was giving an exams that I kept failing at miserably, my concepts/ideas/beliefs where challenged at every stage, i was made to question if all my conditioning were even my own? I was made to reach out to people from my past I was not in touch with yet who I  needed to complete with, apologize, and get an apology from, my faith was tested at every step in all aspects of my life. I was made to disconnect from the world at large, taught to enjoy aloness, I struggled time and again, to find my place and felt i didn’t fit in anywhere. I was forced to face my own self, eye to eye and i found myself questioning all year round “Who really Am I ? ” It has been the scariest painful ride, feels like i went through a cosmic postmortem of sort at body, mind, heart and soul level. Funny part was my illusion of any form of control has completely shattered too.

Just by saying, Thank God 2016 is over is not going to change any facts and happenings. However the only thing that has helped me survive is my courage to “Hang in” there and ” Allow” the upheal to happen, trusting there was a larger picture and some day it will reveal itself to me. I surely was divinely supported too, I  was sent to magical high energy places to travel to which were neither on my list or i even knew they existed. Most often this journey was alone and many times i was sent people on these journeys, who came, uplifted me and left without me even knowing their names or a promise to meet again.The year has revealed to me parts of me that i didn’t know existed or was in denial of.  I truly have begun to understand myself and love the person that has always existed within but just begun emerging. It’s truly been a journey inside out and has started me on direction of my souls calling…I still don’t know where I am headed, yet I know from my core this time…the real journey has just begun!

As 2016 ends, I want to express my deep Gratitude to the magnificent year it has been, for the craziest shake up that was long due or blessed few get to experience and for giving me a glimpse of my new journey that still is revealing itself step by step …

 

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And they lived happily ever after …

I have grown up loving and living in a make believe world of  fairy tales. The die hard romantic in me loved stories of Prince Charming comes riding his white horse, sweeping the princess off her feet, or the knight in shining amour saving the damsel in distress or the Bollywood Yash Chopra version of  “The Raj Malhotra” can woo every one with his charm, fix every situation and have his Simran running back into his arms. And yet I have failed at every possible attempt at even sustaining a potential prince charming leave alone living happily ever after.  I kept wondering all these years, where did I go wrong? I’ve lived feeling a victim of my own self defeating ‘poor me’ victim stories. For every failed attempt, I beat myself up believing probably I wasn’t lucky in love and someday the real prince charming would finally arrive. I guess if only I had realized what I have in the last 3 months of another failed attempt, I probably would have begun my journey of creating a realistic happily ever after long ago.

I realized he ( every potential prince charming) was as human as I am, and he too had his own demons to fight. Probably had no one to rescue him either. At times he was helpless, at times he lacked strength & courage to  fight his own life’s battles alone, at times he doesn’t think he is worthy enough, at times he is too trapped in his past and at times he has grown up being told it’s not ok to be vulnerable and share his truest feelings,fears and take support. How I wish he truthfully and courageously asked for help and allowed himself to be rescued from his demons by someone truly loved him in spite of having sensed his demons long before he fled.

Then again, maybe I too was busy fighting my own demons/fears and hoped to be rescued, perhaps that’s why I was always told you need someone who can take care of you, accepts you for who you are, give all his love and attention BLAH BLAH BLAH … and that’s what i waited for till i learnt to fight for myself …no one ever told me my potential Prince Charming was as human as I was too.  Probably he too needed what I did, to be taken care  of, accepted for who he was,loved unconditionally and at times be rescued. Life would be far more simpler and realistic for both, don’t you think  ?

All I can hope is, now that I have outgrown most unrealistic parts of fairy tales, i guess i have finally surrendered to the process of growing up gracefully, may I magically meet  ‘ The One’ who i can love and accept in totality with all his human tales and demon, and both of us allow each of us to be rescued, living (together) a happily ever after…

 

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I want know what Love is ?

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I have begun this strange quest to know what love really is ? I know there is much more to it than i’ve known, or been told or read about. I have already been even ridiculed when i shared my new quest for love, demeaning it to a mere need of finding a lover or a life partner. Sure, may be it’s true,  i want that too, and why not ? and  I do believe strongly from my heart that we were created in pairs to live, coexist, co create and grow in each other’s presence while we are on this journey to find our way back home. I don’t know yet, where this home really is? surely know where i am at this moment in my life doesn’t feel like home anymore. Something here doesn’t feel right or how it was intended to be. There is so much ego, fear, hate, anger, deception, scarcity, jealous and pain. It’s a big trap ! Something is telling me that ” Love is the only way out !” . Yet the more i try to understand what love is through witnessing it in others or seeking it from another, i realize, more i need to unravel it from my own very existence. It exist, it’s breathing, i feel it,  it’s buried deep deep down in a dark corner of my own bruised scared heart. its aching to break free, to feel alive, flow out like an abundant waterfall and merge with it’s light.

Then why isn’t it  happening ?  What is stopping it ? Why am i not letting it happen ?

I  also do  know, the only one that can set it free is me, no one else. But i am scared, really scared as i don’t know what will happen to me if i set it free…will my heart get empty, will it get more bruised, will the light it merges with be blind me, will i be able to bear the light after so much darkness my heart has been use to living in, will people think im crazy? What will really happen ?

The fears of my mind are crippling me, yet the heart is nudging me to allow the light to shine out and experience the magic. I sure have begun with opening my heart and allowing myself to see through the darkness and allowing myself to feel the fears. i tried fighting them and resisting them but the more i did more i felt like a mess and lost …yet the more i have begun to face and accept them with love …a tiny beam of light has begun to shine out from deep with in and its showing me the way into the deep darkness …i still am very scared yet i’m adamant i’m going to let this light guide me to the love within i am seeking.

The journey ahead is full of uncertainty, darkness and i  don’t know what all will show up. Yet i am gathering all my strength to keep walking and take this journey  to find my way back home !

 

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The rambling soul…

self-acceptance_omtimes-750x400I have been guided by my soul on a journey to rediscover my ‘real’ self  …or rather unravel my true self that got buried, deep down due to my circumstances and situations of the life I took birth in offered to me. Surprisingly, that ‘me’ didn’t die in spite of  how brutal the moments were…I was suffocated and choked and yet “I survived” deep under the debris i have been living in. I took pride in it too all these growing up years on how i was a survivor. I even got applauded for it and awed to be a brave heart. Yet, over time, something within, cringed to identify with the prideful survivor’s title. I knew there was a deeper hidden truth to my existence and  surviving was just not it. The only way I thought, I could even get a glimpse of my truth was to start dig deep within the buried layers , layers of ugly dirt that had not only gathered through my surviving years but got so thick, stinky, hard and unbearable to even revisit. It had become impossible to even fathom making an effort to even begin break through it. It not only required courage to begin with, but also has been a rough journey I set myself for,  of revisiting every unbreakable layer, experiencing  the disgust of the stink it had gathered over the years, witnessing and re living every ugly reality of that moment, seeing how helplessly I gave in to it, in my innocence and began to believe it was ‘my’ truth, have fears grip me, paralyzing me in the now denying me of my own goodness i’ve earned, shatter me down into pieces that looked impossible to gather me back again. Yet i am at it and allowing for once …

It has needed immense strength to allow this destruction of the self, I no longer identify with. It has been excruciatingly painful. Yet the glimpse of the aliveness and freedom, I sense in my heart and soul that awaits me just keeps  prodding me, to this time allow the destruction to happen and pleads me to bring it to it’s ultimate completion.

Its only sheer grace, that is helping me tap into the universal strength within me, guiding me to be on this liberating path to the ‘authentic me’. At this moment, I don’t even know how long this journey is or where it will lead me or what will it reveal to me  …yet this time it’s not my heart but my soul that’s pleading me to allow this journey to happen, to wander, to get lost, to breakdown, to break loose, to discover new paths for myself and just flow courageously in complete surrender to experience my destiny !

 

 

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