What a lie !

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Last few days or rather months i’ve been feeling v disillusioned with life. Often I have found myself in conflict. There was a part of me living a life i’m conditioned to live by society and a part of me which now rebels and thinks it’s all bullshit.The good news is i can see beyond the veils and mask the bad news is i don’t know how to accept what i see. Coz it crushes all my illusions and the lie I have lived all my life untill this point.

I grew up thinking a certain way,  how living al life was meant to be. Everything was sugar coated, i further built fantasy around it Romanising reality for how i wanted to see it and not how it was. there were set rules, definitions, timelines to everything. Like everyone’s growing up years, to a marriageable age, to an age to have children and then get busy raising those children, then worry about their lives, their marriages, their children BLAH BLAH …all of this just sounded perfect and inmidst of all this you went through your up’s and downs of life. And you called it a perfect life ! Your ego in relationships kept u busy judging, feeling victimized, hating, feeling anger, trying to fit in and sometimes you also experienced  love and joyous moments. Marriage was always offered to you as the magic door that would give u all what u ever wanted. As a woman u were told it was your security, you were taken care of, you were loved, you were showered by all goodness and so on. It was all perfectly set and one just had to follow it blindly. I too thought my life would be just that perfect predictable story.

However ironically my life didn’t seem to follow any of the norms. I’m 40, Single, Freelancer, Living with my small immediate family I love. I travel the world, i’ve seen more life than most of my peers can even phantom, I work for myself and on my terms to what my heart calls out to. And off late even that’s been a challenge as i seek depth purpose and meaning in what i wish to do, which again is out of the norms and my very own comfort zone so long. which means unlearning and re-learning from scratch. it’s sure scary and full of uncertainties. I pack my bag, take off and travel when there is a hearts calling, there months i earn alot of money and then some months i earn none. I do have a security of my family i love, yet i  also yearn for my own space ( physically and mentally) and wish to run away to find it. Where my girlfriends invest in diamonds or get gifted cars by their husbands i’ve invested hard money earned gathering travel experiences and equipment for my work. I doubt ive managed to invest in jewellery like all girls do. and somewhere alot of those materialistic desires too disappearing gradually i feel.  I’ve not had time for an intimate relationship all these years as my life was always eventful, fire fighting and surviving each moment. However now that i have the time and inclination i realised ive lived a lie about the prince charming who would sweep me off my feet  some day too. I realise no one told me intimate relationship needed to be worked together on, it wasn’t all just a cake walk. As you have lived  and intend to live a free spirited life you also are attracted to  free spirited potential partners who too don’t want to live by norms. Rightly so, however you don’t know how to make free spirited relationships work as it involves unlearning everything you’ve been conditioned to beleive all ur life and you also know secretly in your heart  can’t  anymore fit into a conventional relationship any more either as u won’t be able sustain it too long.  Your concept from a need for marriage is evolving into a desire to share a healthy companionship with or without the legal hooks set by society of a marriage. So it brings you to two choices, You yet again unlearn and break the norm and adapt to the new ways if u seek companionship or just stay single. both are choices again i dont know how to be in. In your heart you know u may not have children anymore, your maternal instincts does show up at times and you find yourself against the norm again and at the same time your inner child cringes looking at the way kids are growing up in the environment they are you want to go out there and shake things up . You can look through people and the lies they choose to live in. You cant fit in any more and you find ur self more and more isolated until you find more like yourself …YOUR TRIBE ! It does exist, yet u have to keep breaking out of ur own conditioning to reach them, you have to break away ur own walls, you have to unlearn everything u were taught, you have to get naked to ur soul and accept ur scars u gathered over the battles you fought. And you are still going to find yourself battling against the norms and the society you live in. You have to be in the unsettled state of not knowing what’s a definite state of security, You have to come face to face with yourself and accept every part of you you have denied all along, you have to break down the structures, you have to fight your own daemons, fears and allow that authentic self waiting to be unleashed, you have to learn to stop lying to urself or giving into other peoples lie   and finally see the reality for what it is, Without any illusions and sugar coating. Its very hard, the process…v v hard and its been painful this unshedding. And scary too, this not knowing where you are going and who u are being revealed as. However i am allowing it coz i can sense the liberation awaiting me on the other side. I don’t want to live a lie anymore. I want to allow my authenticity to finally shine…im hanging in there …i know i will make it this time !

And having said that at times I feel the path choose me and at times I  just know i’m choosing it by continuing to walk on it even if it seems to  have chosen me. For this time I really want to be on the other side for sure !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My innocence was lost in a struggle to make ends meet, to fight the tide that hit my family, to prove my survival,to find my place, to protect myself and then the ego took over and it was all about proving myself to the world that didnt think i would make it. I began to enjoy the lie and power. I began to run away from myself, i got so addicted to work coz it made me feel powerful and busy. and i didnt have to deal with alot of shit that had hit our roof. The ego was on high. I was busy living the lie that i totally lost myself. I just built walls around, i choose to see things the way i wanted to, i wore mask so no one could see what i really was. It all felt good and safe. Untill one day it all began to crash.

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Stepping back- 14th Oct 2017

Sometimes stepping back gives one a better perspective on the whole real truth of a situation.However most often we are too busy running, doing, judging, solving,fighting, reacting,and moving on from one situation to other, feeling like a great survivor in action, having missed out on the truth we left behind which could have made a big difference to our own selves or someone’s life.

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Random Mumble – 12th Sep 2017

Laawz woh na keh paaye

Jo khamoshiya keh gai

Nazdikiya na kara pai woh ehsaas jo dooriyakarwa gai

Dil mein tha dono ke hi pyaar

Paas aye toh sirf hui har baar takraar

Chalo iss baar mile khamoshiyo mein phir uhi

Sirf kare dhadkano mein ek doosre ke dil ka ehsaas

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Random Mumble – 22nd Aug 2017

Zindagi bhar dhunda tujhe eh Mohobbat

Galiya, kuchey aurhar bazaar mein

Par hui mulakat tujh se apne hi aaiyne ki poorani parchaiye mein

Jise bhaagti rahi aaj usse hi rijha rahi hu

Jise apna na pai kabhi usi ko apna rahi hu

Hai ajeeb yeh kashmakash

Khud ko hi khud hi se dil lagana sikha rahi hu

 

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You may say i’m a dreamer …

I recently had my Shenghan visa rejected twice, I lost out on the trip I had planned to celebrate a milestone year with my friends who live in different countries now and  I hadn’t met together in a decade, they currently are on the trip enjoying and missing me too.I have lost a lot of money and had to go through angst of visa applications and rejections which is still not over and has a process to complete. It has been a great learning at many levels for me personally ! I trust universe knows best for me …I  also understand It happened due to my personal lack of knowledge or curiosity on French visa stringent rules & requirements if invited and staying with a French resident, taking for granted an agent would help with paper work,  my agents team’s lack of guidance and ignorance and being stuck in a French bureaucratic loop inspite of my dear friend from France inviting me for a  just a short part of the trip, personally running around inspite of a hectic schedule to submit all her documents requested. Yet being disappointed on me not reaching her as yet !  You know I’m not so heart broken about the trip getting cancelled, even been humouring myself about it and taken it in my stride as it’s not  surely my last trip in life.and I surely will get there sooner or latter. However I’m  APPALLED by every single friend who reached out to me or heard my story telling me how I was a fool to not show bogus hotel bookings to get a tourist visa. 😱 it’s not just one person every single one said the same and  It’s got me thinking and v upset too by our accepted thought process and norms.  We, most of us atleast seem to accept that we live in a society where ” Honesty”  doesn’t work, if u have to get ur ways and quick u have to learn to lie/ cheat/manipulate and be bloody good at it , ur considered an idealistic or a fool to be honest and laughed at coz u pay a price and loose out if u stand by ur values. And what’s worse bureaucracy seems to advocate dishonesty too as it’s blind and believes what it sees or is shown most often.  I know I can’t change others and their choices, so I have two choices either to give up on my belief and adapt or to stand by my values and hope there are more like me out there who surely exist and will get together, raise a collective consciousness some day soon, that will create a better new world.  Imagine a world …Where values like authenticity, honestly, courage, selflessness, service, unconditional love, co existence, sensitivity etc will breathe freely and thrive.Where we won’t have to pay a price or be ridiculed for our strengths and uniqueness. We won’t idealise each other but inspire and co exist encouraging each other to grow. We won’t need to compete to feel successful and empowered yet we will all participate for the joy of participation and creations. We won’t need to constantly protect ourselves or our countries and raise high boundaries that can’t be entered into to experience our beautiful diversities, uniqueness and beauty, where trusting each other will be effortless. Where generosity and hearts will be v large. Gratitude will be a way of life.Peace and love with thrive. Where everything will be abundant at all times. No mask will be needed and the true self will shine. Where our children will feel safe and grow up in warm beautiful loving healthy environments freely. Where no illnesses will exist and death will be a natural ageing process.Mother Earth will be truly joyous, alive and flourishing… Wow, I just can go on and on, feels so good just the thought of it, doesn’t it ? 😀 Well, You may say I’m a dreamer … but I’m not the only one …:)) this is how it was intended by the creator I feel … we messed up some where on the way. High time to start cleaning up and getting back to the original intent of the universe !   It is possible ! I know it …my heart knows it …it will happen !  I surely pledge to take ownership in every little way I can, consciously taking steps to contribute to this magnificent creation of this beautiful dream world of mine … will u join me too, please ? 🙂

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Love is… ?

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I keep hearing the term ” Falling in Love” and “Falling out of love” so often these days. Actually been hearing them forever. And since I have been seeking for a while what love really is ? I am confused at this moment with what i have been made to understand or rather limited understanding of love I have gathered and i can bet there are majority like me out there. infact majority just happy to live in ignorance as most don’t seem to care or want to know the truth as it will disillusion their conditioned belief systems passed over by generations and they will be lost. Hence most are happy living in the illusion. 🙂

My spiritual seeking tells me ” Love is eternal ”  and “Love is the highest form of energy ” . If this true then falling in love or out of it is an illusion, isn’t it ? 

Coz if it’s eternal it cannot end  and if it’s energy it must just be flowing between everyone we interact with, or just still exists between two people who may not even feel it anymore and may be it perhaps keeps taking new form as it’s eternal. possible isn’t it ?

So basically  so far most  of us have been fooling ourselves by the concept of love being attachment to specific people in our lives or a mate. and may be there is truth in that too.  It surely keeps us busy i guess. It keeps us feeling loved or unloved or seeking love, worthy or unworthy as the case may be. We spend most of our lives either finding it, loosing it or seeking it or falling out of it to re seek it !  It’s funny if u think of it …just a vicious cycle to kill time and justify our existence …ha ha ha !

As for me i’m still seeking and lost …i don’t have the answers or understanding yet and i know there are many out there perhaps have been enlightened …however i’m putting it out here to the universe to send me the wisdom on this subject so loosely used or misunderstood for years. I don’t want to defy mass belief, or prove any point, i’m only seeking deeper meaning so i can look past the illusion, expand to a higher space and experience love for how it was intended to be experienced.

What love really is …?

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Embrace 2017

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Here i am joyfully  ready to embrace 2017 with renewed parts of me. Parts that were revealed and uncovered through a past year of turmoil. However i’m grateful and willing to walk my new journey with new energies and renewed faith. Here’s a small poem i wrote to embrace 2017 with open arms and a large heart …

I am not running anymore

I don’t even know which way to go

I know I’m headed somewhere

Where few dare to go

 

The journey has just begun

Miles to cover I know

Uncertainty my only companion

Love, my driving force

Yet I  know it’s the only way for my soul to blossom and grow

 

I am not running anymore

I don’t even know which way to go

I know I’m headed somewhere

Where few dare to go

 

Home is what i’m seeking

though darkness is what lies forth

I  know flowerbeds await me with their fragrance

yet I keep walking with thorns pierced through my shields

The  soul is truly determined

Every breath fills it with more zeal

For it knows this time for sure

It is time for it to be finally set free…

 

I am not running anymore

I don’t even know which way to go

I know I’m headed somewhere

Where few dare to go

 

 

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