The journey towards mindfullness…

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I often wish there was an easier way of learning your life lessons. I wish they were not hard on you or you didn’t have to lose people or pay a price to learn them. Then again probably those people or situations where the life lessons. And maybe this life was given to us for learning and evolving.

I have often heard and used the phrase “Wise men learn from others mistakes, fools their own “. I’m sure the wise were not born wise they too faced their life challenges and lessons and got wiser. the only difference perhaps is some people learn and get wiser faster, fools refuse to learn and keep repeating their mistakes for a long time and sometimes forever as they are too busy caught up in their own self-created maze, fighting their situation, choosing to live in ignorance and blaming the world.

I’ve been a fool for most parts of life …kept repeating my mistakes in all my ignorance and been to busy in my own self created maze.  I kept telling myself “ignorance is bliss “. But is it, really? It kind of worked for me too many occasions where I had to fight v tough battles of life, it felt far convenient. But last few years when life knocked me down really hard again and  I knew for sure this time my ignorance was not working for me anymore.  I knew I had to change something … I couldn’t bear living in the pain caused by my ignorance time and again. I had to look for a solution …it had to be somewhere within. It’s been feeling gruesome to even accept my pattern of repeating my mistakes. Its taken a lot to finally accept things I have been doing that have not been working for me…And I am finally realizing “Awareness, sure is a far better navigator than Ignorance “.

I guess I’m getting wiser finally! 😉

I’m also realizing, as much as going with the flow and your heart is important so is discipline, practice, preparation, vision, far sight, having a larger picture in mind and having personal goals. All of what I hate to confess I ran far away from so far.  Life is surely about ” Balance” both are important,  I still don’t know how to imbibe them, yet this time my acceptance of the past mistakes and awareness of the now has begun my navigation. it’s still a slow process, fears still come up, i still feel the pain and mistakes still happen but I know I’m headed in the right direction…and the journey towards mindfulness has begun…lets c where it takes me this time …

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My Dear Loving BIG heart,

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My Dear Loving BIG heart,

I always wondered why u were so big? You stood out to me amongst most hearts I saw around me.  For as long as I can remember I thought you were a defect  I was born with. You rejoiced in other’s joys like it was your own, you felt the pain of others and cried unreasonably, you gave and gave, you loved deeply even if the other didn’t love you back, you got bruised, broken and even shattered time and again in the bargain. You are scarred beyond repair. Yet you are filled with love, you beat for others, you forgive, you understand, you don’t give up on people and you pray even for the ones who bruised you and caused you pain.  You get shattered yet gather your pieces back and beat to the same tunes again.   I wondered often what was the point of being so big and so full of love. I cried in pain to see you not fit in anywhere, for you to be ridiculed, mocked and for those times no one could see your love overflowing. I really wondered if ur existence mattered to anyone but to me, who too treated you just like an organ that keeps me alive.

However, off late I’ve started to see you for what you are, scarred yet so beautiful and rare. Your beauty is magnificent, not may yet see you yet ur light has begun to shine and radiate me, enrich me, make me love myself, help me empathise with others. I have also begun to protect you for those who don’t seem to understand how rare and precious you are. I’ve started to nurture and allow your wounds to heal. I’ve begun to see the beauty of your scars as so many battles you withstood with love. I can see you so joyfully brimming with love. I’ve have begun to accept your bigness, your love, your depth, your openness fully. I truly love you for who you are. And I promise never to try fit you in any place. You’re meant to be seen only by the brave who equally have a big and scarred heart. And I’m okay with that and for the others you let your love flowing unconditionally.

I love you lots and I promise to take care of you forever no matter what!

Love always,

Payal

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The storm has passed!

The storm has finally passed
I can feel the calm
It destroyed all the old structures
Uprooted my weak roots
knocked me down and emptied my gut
Shook me up to my core
Tested the strength of every bone
To gauge how much I can withstand
I’m still gasping for breath
Then again I have survived !
This time far stronger than ever before
Rising like the Phoenix from ashes
i know it’s time to outshine !

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What a lie !

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Last few days or rather months i’ve been feeling v disillusioned with life. Often I have found myself in conflict. There was a part of me living a life i’m conditioned to live by society and a part of me which now rebels and thinks it’s all bullshit.The good news is i can see beyond the veils and mask the bad news is i don’t know how to accept what i see. Coz it crushes all my illusions and the lie I have lived all my life untill this point.

I grew up thinking a certain way,  how living al life was meant to be. Everything was sugar coated, i further built fantasy around it Romanising reality for how i wanted to see it and not how it was. there were set rules, definitions, timelines to everything. Like everyone’s growing up years, to a marriageable age, to an age to have children and then get busy raising those children, then worry about their lives, their marriages, their children BLAH BLAH …all of this just sounded perfect and inmidst of all this you went through your up’s and downs of life. And you called it a perfect life ! Your ego in relationships kept u busy judging, feeling victimized, hating, feeling anger, trying to fit in and sometimes you also experienced  love and joyous moments. Marriage was always offered to you as the magic door that would give u all what u ever wanted. As a woman u were told it was your security, you were taken care of, you were loved, you were showered by all goodness and so on. It was all perfectly set and one just had to follow it blindly. I too thought my life would be just that perfect predictable story.

However ironically my life didn’t seem to follow any of the norms. I’m 40, Single, Freelancer, Living with my small immediate family I love. I travel the world, i’ve seen more life than most of my peers can even phantom, I work for myself and on my terms to what my heart calls out to. And off late even that’s been a challenge as i seek depth purpose and meaning in what i wish to do, which again is out of the norms and my very own comfort zone so long. which means unlearning and re-learning from scratch. it’s sure scary and full of uncertainties. I pack my bag, take off and travel when there is a hearts calling, there months i earn alot of money and then some months i earn none. I do have a security of my family i love, yet i  also yearn for my own space ( physically and mentally) and wish to run away to find it. Where my girlfriends invest in diamonds or get gifted cars by their husbands i’ve invested hard money earned gathering travel experiences and equipment for my work. I doubt ive managed to invest in jewellery like all girls do. and somewhere alot of those materialistic desires too disappearing gradually i feel.  I’ve not had time for an intimate relationship all these years as my life was always eventful, fire fighting and surviving each moment. However now that i have the time and inclination i realised ive lived a lie about the prince charming who would sweep me off my feet  some day too. I realise no one told me intimate relationship needed to be worked together on, it wasn’t all just a cake walk. As you have lived  and intend to live a free spirited life you also are attracted to  free spirited potential partners who too don’t want to live by norms. Rightly so, however you don’t know how to make free spirited relationships work as it involves unlearning everything you’ve been conditioned to beleive all ur life and you also know secretly in your heart  can’t  anymore fit into a conventional relationship any more either as u won’t be able sustain it too long.  Your concept from a need for marriage is evolving into a desire to share a healthy companionship with or without the legal hooks set by society of a marriage. So it brings you to two choices, You yet again unlearn and break the norm and adapt to the new ways if u seek companionship or just stay single. both are choices again i dont know how to be in. In your heart you know u may not have children anymore, your maternal instincts does show up at times and you find yourself against the norm again and at the same time your inner child cringes looking at the way kids are growing up in the environment they are you want to go out there and shake things up . You can look through people and the lies they choose to live in. You cant fit in any more and you find ur self more and more isolated until you find more like yourself …YOUR TRIBE ! It does exist, yet u have to keep breaking out of ur own conditioning to reach them, you have to break away ur own walls, you have to unlearn everything u were taught, you have to get naked to ur soul and accept ur scars u gathered over the battles you fought. And you are still going to find yourself battling against the norms and the society you live in. You have to be in the unsettled state of not knowing what’s a definite state of security, You have to come face to face with yourself and accept every part of you you have denied all along, you have to break down the structures, you have to fight your own daemons, fears and allow that authentic self waiting to be unleashed, you have to learn to stop lying to urself or giving into other peoples lie   and finally see the reality for what it is, Without any illusions and sugar coating. Its very hard, the process…v v hard and its been painful this unshedding. And scary too, this not knowing where you are going and who u are being revealed as. However i am allowing it coz i can sense the liberation awaiting me on the other side. I don’t want to live a lie anymore. I want to allow my authenticity to finally shine…im hanging in there …i know i will make it this time !

And having said that at times I feel the path choose me and at times I  just know i’m choosing it by continuing to walk on it even if it seems to  have chosen me. For this time I really want to be on the other side for sure !

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Stepping back- 14th Oct 2017

Sometimes stepping back gives one a better perspective on the whole real truth of a situation.However most often we are too busy running, doing, judging, solving,fighting, reacting,and moving on from one situation to other, feeling like a great survivor in action, having missed out on the truth we left behind which could have made a big difference to our own selves or someone’s life.

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Random Mumble – 12th Sep 2017

Laawz woh na keh paaye

Jo khamoshiya keh gai

Nazdikiya na kara pai woh ehsaas jo dooriyakarwa gai

Dil mein tha dono ke hi pyaar

Paas aye toh sirf hui har baar takraar

Chalo iss baar mile khamoshiyo mein phir uhi

Sirf kare dhadkano mein ek doosre ke dil ka ehsaas

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Random Mumble – 22nd Aug 2017

Zindagi bhar dhunda tujhe eh Mohobbat

Galiya, kuchey aurhar bazaar mein

Par hui mulakat tujh se apne hi aaiyne ki poorani parchaiye mein

Jise bhaagti rahi aaj usse hi rijha rahi hu

Jise apna na pai kabhi usi ko apna rahi hu

Hai ajeeb yeh kashmakash

Khud ko hi khud hi se dil lagana sikha rahi hu

 

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