Last few days or rather months i’ve been feeling v disillusioned with life. Often I have found myself in conflict. There was a part of me living a life i’m conditioned to live by society and a part of me which now rebels and thinks it’s all bullshit.The good news is i can see beyond the veils and mask the bad news is i don’t know how to accept what i see. Coz it crushes all my illusions and the lie I have lived all my life untill this point.
I grew up thinking a certain way, how living al life was meant to be. Everything was sugar coated, i further built fantasy around it Romanising reality for how i wanted to see it and not how it was. there were set rules, definitions, timelines to everything. Like everyone’s growing up years, to a marriageable age, to an age to have children and then get busy raising those children, then worry about their lives, their marriages, their children BLAH BLAH …all of this just sounded perfect and inmidst of all this you went through your up’s and downs of life. And you called it a perfect life ! Your ego in relationships kept u busy judging, feeling victimized, hating, feeling anger, trying to fit in and sometimes you also experienced love and joyous moments. Marriage was always offered to you as the magic door that would give u all what u ever wanted. As a woman u were told it was your security, you were taken care of, you were loved, you were showered by all goodness and so on. It was all perfectly set and one just had to follow it blindly. I too thought my life would be just that perfect predictable story.
However ironically my life didn’t seem to follow any of the norms. I’m 40, Single, Freelancer, Living with my small immediate family I love. I travel the world, i’ve seen more life than most of my peers can even phantom, I work for myself and on my terms to what my heart calls out to. And off late even that’s been a challenge as i seek depth purpose and meaning in what i wish to do, which again is out of the norms and my very own comfort zone so long. which means unlearning and re-learning from scratch. it’s sure scary and full of uncertainties. I pack my bag, take off and travel when there is a hearts calling, there months i earn alot of money and then some months i earn none. I do have a security of my family i love, yet i also yearn for my own space ( physically and mentally) and wish to run away to find it. Where my girlfriends invest in diamonds or get gifted cars by their husbands i’ve invested hard money earned gathering travel experiences and equipment for my work. I doubt ive managed to invest in jewellery like all girls do. and somewhere alot of those materialistic desires too disappearing gradually i feel. I’ve not had time for an intimate relationship all these years as my life was always eventful, fire fighting and surviving each moment. However now that i have the time and inclination i realised ive lived a lie about the prince charming who would sweep me off my feet some day too. I realise no one told me intimate relationship needed to be worked together on, it wasn’t all just a cake walk. As you have lived and intend to live a free spirited life you also are attracted to free spirited potential partners who too don’t want to live by norms. Rightly so, however you don’t know how to make free spirited relationships work as it involves unlearning everything you’ve been conditioned to beleive all ur life and you also know secretly in your heart can’t anymore fit into a conventional relationship any more either as u won’t be able sustain it too long. Your concept from a need for marriage is evolving into a desire to share a healthy companionship with or without the legal hooks set by society of a marriage. So it brings you to two choices, You yet again unlearn and break the norm and adapt to the new ways if u seek companionship or just stay single. both are choices again i dont know how to be in. In your heart you know u may not have children anymore, your maternal instincts does show up at times and you find yourself against the norm again and at the same time your inner child cringes looking at the way kids are growing up in the environment they are you want to go out there and shake things up . You can look through people and the lies they choose to live in. You cant fit in any more and you find ur self more and more isolated until you find more like yourself …YOUR TRIBE ! It does exist, yet u have to keep breaking out of ur own conditioning to reach them, you have to break away ur own walls, you have to unlearn everything u were taught, you have to get naked to ur soul and accept ur scars u gathered over the battles you fought. And you are still going to find yourself battling against the norms and the society you live in. You have to be in the unsettled state of not knowing what’s a definite state of security, You have to come face to face with yourself and accept every part of you you have denied all along, you have to break down the structures, you have to fight your own daemons, fears and allow that authentic self waiting to be unleashed, you have to learn to stop lying to urself or giving into other peoples lie and finally see the reality for what it is, Without any illusions and sugar coating. Its very hard, the process…v v hard and its been painful this unshedding. And scary too, this not knowing where you are going and who u are being revealed as. However i am allowing it coz i can sense the liberation awaiting me on the other side. I don’t want to live a lie anymore. I want to allow my authenticity to finally shine…im hanging in there …i know i will make it this time !
And having said that at times I feel the path choose me and at times I just know i’m choosing it by continuing to walk on it even if it seems to have chosen me. For this time I really want to be on the other side for sure !
My innocence was lost in a struggle to make ends meet, to fight the tide that hit my family, to prove my survival,to find my place, to protect myself and then the ego took over and it was all about proving myself to the world that didnt think i would make it. I began to enjoy the lie and power. I began to run away from myself, i got so addicted to work coz it made me feel powerful and busy. and i didnt have to deal with alot of shit that had hit our roof. The ego was on high. I was busy living the lie that i totally lost myself. I just built walls around, i choose to see things the way i wanted to, i wore mask so no one could see what i really was. It all felt good and safe. Untill one day it all began to crash.